Enemies. Lovers. Soulmates.
They were destined from the start. But what did that start look like?
I keep thinking about writing an Alabama Summer Epilogue, and I probably will write it (some day). Maybe I’m procrastinating so much and stressing myself sick because this will be the end of them. Maybe I don’t want to say goodbye yet.
Ten years we’ve been together.
To hold you over (and because I really just want to share this so badly with you, my patient readers) here is a little trip back in time.
Cheers to childhood memories.
This is majorly unedited, so be gentle.
And who knows? Maybe you’ll see it in a book one day.
Jessica 🙂
Benjamin Kelly: World’s Biggest Dickhead
Mia
“Oh my God, I love this color,” Tessa says, her purple-painted toes wiggling on the comforter between us. “Like, I can’t believe I almost picked that weird blueish-green. What was I thinking? I can be so stupid sometimes, I swear.”
“The green was pretty too,” I say. “But the purple is way prettier.”
“Way prettier.”
“Mine are kinda messy though.” My nose scrunches up as I try and use my fingernail to clean up the edges around my big toe. I pick off a flake of polish.
“What? They’re not messy. I did a kickass job.”
“Tessa!” I whisper, feeling my cheeks flush. I quickly glance at her closed bedroom door. “Um, hello? What if your parents hear you? Are you nuts?”
“It’s twelve-thirty. You know they’re asleep.”
“Maybe.”
“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes. “Ben cusses all the time and they don’t ground him or anything. Why can’t I say one little cuss? What’s the big deal?”
I shrug, not understanding it either.
Tessa’s stupid older brother got away with everything. Just because he was fifteen and an actual teenager. Like that was some huge deal or something. I didn’t get it.
And I really didn’t like him. Not even a little.
“Can we not talk about Ben?” I ask. “He’s so annoying.”
“Ugh. Seriously.” Tessa’s mouth twitches. “But it would be super cool if like, you two got married one day or something.”
My stomach does this strange little flip. “Ew. I don’t want to marry Ben.”
Gross.
Right? Yeah, totally.
“But we’d be sisters!” Tessa whisper yells, smacking the bed excitedly. “Wouldn’t that be epic? We’d actually be related for real!”
I stick my finger into my mouth and fake throwing up.
Tessa giggles. “Okay. Okay. Maybe if he wasn’t so annoying.”
“No way.” I shake my head. “Not even then.”
Being annoying isn’t even half the problem with Ben.
He’s mean. Like, the meanest person in the whole world. Especially to me. He’s always got something rude to say every time I see him. It’s like he singles me out, needing to put me down before he speaks to anyone else in the room. He’s never been nice to me. Not once.
There’s no way I would ever, ever want to marry Benjamin Kelly.
“I mean, it’s not like he’s ugly, you know?” Tessa says.
I stare at her across the bed.
No. Ben definitely isn’t ugly. Which totally sucks. Even with braces and zits on his forehead, he’s still… not ugly. I’m not saying he’s hot or anything.
“He’s not hot or anything,” I declare.
Tessa shrugs. “Maybe he’ll get hot. Like when he’s older.”
“Or maybe he’ll stay the way he looks now and never get hot ever. Maybe he’ll always be… you know, not hot.”
Ugh! Why can’t I think of a word to describe Ben? He’s so many things!
Rude.
Annoying.
Stupid.
Muscley.
Ew. What?
“He’s not muscley either,” I blurt out, my stomach doing that strange little flip again.
I ignore it. I don’t even know why it keeps happening.
Maybe I’m just hungry.
“Muscley?” Tessa cocks her head.
I push my glasses up my nose when they start to slip. “You know what I mean. He’s like, sort of strong now because of football and stuff.”
I picture Ben in his jersey that keeps getting smaller and smaller, showing more of those stupid grooves on the bottom part of his stomach every time he wears it. And he wears it all the time, even when he doesn’t have football.
He just walks around the house wearing that stupid jersey, with that stupid scowl on his face and that stupid dark hair hanging in his eyes.
And with those stupid arms always flexed.
Ew.
“But he’s still all lanky,” I say. “He’s too tall. And gross. Not hot. Definitely not hot.”
Not ugly either.
Ugh.
My best friend narrows her eyes at me.
I squeeze my legs against my chest and blow out a sharp breath.
“Why are we talking about your brother anyway?” I ask.
And why is my face so warm all of a sudden? Maybe Mrs. Kelly turned down the AC. She does that at night sometimes.
“I guess he’s muscley,” Tessa says, ignoring my question. “He does do a lot of those stupid push-up things.”
Gross. I don’t want to think about Ben doing anything. Especially those push-up things.
“Whatever. It’s hot in here,” I mumble, wiping underneath my hair. My skin feels sticky. “Do you want something to drink? I think I do.”
“Yeah, okay. And some ice cream.”
“Oo. There’s Ben and Jerry’s. I saw it earlier.”
“We stocked up.” Tessa grins, putting her attention on the shoe box beside her hip where she keeps all of her nail polish. “Grab me the brownie one and a Coke. I think I want to put some glitter on top of the purple. That’ll look cute, right?”
“Totally. Especially if you do silver glitter. That’ll look really cute.” I swing my legs off the bed, hesitating to get up when I realize I’ll be getting us a snack alone. “Can’t you come with me? What if someone sees?”
“Everyone is sleeping, Mia. Just sneak.”
“I just don’t want to get yelled at.”
“Who would yell at you? I’d get yelled at. My parents love you. They won’t care. But they’re asleep, so it’s fine.” Tessa lifts the glitter polish in front of her face and studies it. “My toes are still a little wet anyway. I don’t want to mess them up. And you know I would. I’m such a freaking clutz.”
I giggle and scoot off the bed. “Okay. Brownie ice cream and a Coke.”
“And some whipped cream.”
“Tessa. How am I supposed to carry all of that? You need to come with me and help.”
“Just use your shirt.” She tugs the bottom part of her pajama top away from her body and punches the material with her other hand, making it bowl-shaped. “Like this. See?”
“Oh.” I look down at my favorite baggy night shirt. I guess that will work. “Okay. Be right back.”
I slowly open the bedroom door and peek my head out. The hallway is silent and dark.
After softly closing the door behind me, I tiptoe on the cool hardwood, sneaking past Mr. and Mrs. Kelly’s bedroom door.
The only sound I hear is my quick, quiet breaths.
It’s kind of fun sneaking around like this. Unless I get caught. That would suck.
Low light pushes out beneath Ben’s door. I pause in front of it and strain to listen. I think I hear the T.V..
I stick out my tongue, wishing he could see it, before taking a step to move away.
The floor creaks beneath my weight, and I freeze, hand flying up to cover my mouth and heartbeat quickening.
I stare at Ben’s door and wait. Hoping. Praying.
If he finds me, he’ll tell. I just know it.
Seconds tick by. Ben doesn’t emerge. His door never opens.
I lower my hand to my racing heart and smile.
Wow. That was close.
I make it to the kitchen and keep the lights off, not needing them once I open the fridge.
I pull out two cans of Coke and set them on the countertop behind me, then I spin back around and open the freezer.
Brownie Batter for Tessa. And Half Baked for Me.
Yum.
“Got enough ice cream, nerd?”
I jump at the low, menacing voice at my back, the cold containers pressing against my pajama shirt and my shoulders tensing.
Crap.
I slowly turn until I’m face-to-face with him.
Benjamin Kelly.
The worst boy in the world.
Why can’t my best friend be an only child like me?
The soft, amber glow from the freezer gives me barely enough light to make out Ben’s hard, gray eyes and the tight purse of his lips, but even if I couldn’t see him at all, there’s only one way he ever looks at me.
Like I bother him by simply existing.
I’ve never said or done anything to Ben to make him hate me the way he does. Except for maybe the times when I’ve laughed at Tessa’s insults and he’s heard me, but it’s not like I’m the one telling him he’s dumb and ugly and stupid. Even though I do think all of those things.
Except you don’t, do you? Just look at him. He’s not ugly at all.
I jerk my head, shaking that thought away.
Ben stands on the other side of the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. He’s not wearing a shirt. His dark hair is crazy like it usually is when he first wakes up. Sharp pieces cover his forehead and stick out wildly along the top.
Maybe he was sleeping and he heard me, my heavy steps, and now he’s mad because I woke him up.
“I’m sorry if I woke you. I was trying to be quiet.”
“I wasn’t asleep. I can hear you and my stupid sister giggling every five seconds. I’ll be tired as shit at practice tomorrow because of you two.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. “We were whispering. I didn’t think we were being loud.”
“You’re always loud. Always here. Don’t you have any other friends? Why do you always have to be at my house? Jesus. You’re here all the time.”
“Tessa’s my best friend.”
“So? You don’t live here, Mia. You know that, right?”
“I know.” I push my glasses up my nose, squeezing the containers against my chest so I don’t drop one.
Ben’s eyes narrow in on the ice cream. “Are you seriously going to eat all the ice cream in the house? That’s not all for you, you know.”
I look down at the floor. “It’s for me and Tessa. I’m not eating all of it.”
“Are you sure?”
I peer at him above my glasses.
He’s blurry and shadowed and glaring at me, I just know it.
I don’t want Ben to hate me. I don’t want anyone to hate me. I’m kind to everyone so they won’t. Even Ben.
“Do you want some?” I ask, stepping closer to the counter, my hands offering him a pint.
“Oh, gee. Thanks, Mia. I wouldn’t be able to eat if you didn’t offer me the food from my own fucking fridge.” He shakes his head and stalks around the counter. “You’re so annoying, you know that? Move.”
I step back when he pushes between me and the open freezer door, wincing when my hip digs into the cabinet knob. I shuffle over so I don’t cry.
“You can’t leave this open. My Dad will freak.” Ben slams the door shut and turns around.
The kitchen goes dark. The only light coming from the numbers illuminated on the appliances, and the small fragrance plug-in on the wall across the room. I can barely see.
Ben moves, stepping closer, and I step back until I can’t, the counter preventing me from putting more space between us.
He’s a large, looming shadow, snarling even though I can’t make out his mouth. It’s just how he always looks.
He stops when he’s right in front of me and close enough I can smell the deodorant he uses. It’s sharp and spiced.
My nose wrinkles.
“Didn’t you have cookies earlier?” he asks, his tone cruel. “And chips? I saw you and Tessa pigging out when you were watching that stupid movie. You both chew with your mouths open. It’s sick.”
“Titanic isn’t stupid.”
“It is, because I said it is.” He plucks a cold pint out of my grip, so roughly I nearly drop the other one.
“Hey,” I grumble.
He can’t even be nice for one second and ask? I would’ve given it to him.
“You don’t need ice cream, Mia. Look at you.”
I suck in a breath as my eyes begin to sting. My soft stomach clenches.
He just played his Ace.
Ben knows how to upset me better than anyone.
I can handle most of his name-calling and silly insults. Saying I’m nerdy or weird never gets under my skin the way a comment about my weight does. And even though other kids have said similar things to me, mainly ones at school, I’ve never felt as hurt as I do when Ben reminds me of how I look.
I don’t know why that is.
I’m not built like Tessa or most of the other girls my age. For twelve, I’m tall, and I tower over my friends. That alone puts attention on me.
I’m also bigger in my belly, and my thighs touch and rub. My arms don’t look as nice as Tessa’s do in sleeveless tops. My face is much rounder than hers. Even my feet are larger.
I hate the way I look.
But I forget how soft my stomach is when it’s tensing with laughter. Sleepovers are always fun with my best friend. And when I’m smiling and giggling late at night, I don’t think about my weight or the dimples on my thighs. When Tessa suggests ice cream, I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. I’m not skipping meals when we’re together or stepping on the scale every hour. I’m snacking on my favorite chips while we watch a movie and sneaking into the kitchen for a snack.
I’m happiest here.
But then my best friend’s older brother tells me to look at myself, and I think about never eating again.
Ben moves down the counter to the drawer with the utensils and digs out a spoon. He pops the lid off the ice cream and scoops out a bite, and he watches me while he eats it.
I turn my head when my lashes feel wet.
The last thing I need is for Ben to see me cry. He’ll love that, I’m sure.
“Mm,” he says. “Isn’t Half Baked your favorite?”
“No,” I lie.
“Yeah, it is.”
“How would you know?”
“Because you stuff your face with this. I’ve seen you.”
I shake my head and squeeze the container of Brownie Batter against my chest. I can feel my pajama shirt getting damp.
“Are cows even supposed to eat ice cream? Isn’t that like, some sort of cannibalism?”
I feel a tear slip down my cheek.
I can’t take this anymore.
Ben snickers around the spoon when I rush past him, fleeing the kitchen.
I no longer tip-toe down the hallway, I can’t. My bare feet smack against the hardwood as I stomp, wiping the wetness from my face. I reach Tessa’s bedroom door and push it open.
“Finally,” she huffs, looking up from her toes, the polish brush hovering above her feet. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and close the door. “Nothing. Here. I didn’t want any.” I cross the room and stop by the bed, holding out the pint.
Tessa hesitantly takes it from me. “No spoon? And where’s the whipped cream?”
My shoulders drop. “I forgot. Sorry.”
“And what about our drinks? Are we out of Coke? I thought there was a whole twelve pack in there.”
Oh, my God the stupid drinks.
“I guess you’re out, okay?” I plunk down on the edge of the bed, tugging my shirt away from my stomach so it no longer clings, and pulling at the ends of my sleep shorts until less of my thighs are showing. I stare at my lap.
Tessa shifts beside me, her feet swinging off the bed, and places the container of Brownie Batter on the nightstand. She scoots over until our hips touch.
“Hey,” she says, her voice more quiet than usual. “Did something happen? You seem sad now.”
I look over at her freckled leg. It’s so much smaller than mine.
I’ll never look like that. Never.
I cover my face and cry into my hands.
“Mia. Hey.” Tessa rubs my back while tugging at my wrist. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“Ben,” I say through a broken voice, lowering my hands and looking over at her. I pull my glasses off and wipe at my face again.
“What did that idiot do?”
“What do you think? What is he always doing?”
“Being annoying?” she guesses. “But that wouldn’t make you upset…”
“No.” I shake my head.
“What then? Tell me.”
“He found me in the kitchen. And he… he just said something mean. I don’t want to talk about it.”
I wish I could forget it.
I wish I could forget everything he’s ever said to me.
Tessa’s nostrils flare and her green eyes burn with rage. “What did he say? I’m telling Mom and getting his ass grounded.”
“No!” I reach for her when she stands and tug her back down to the bed. “Don’t, okay?” My grip stays firm on her wrist. “I don’t want to tell your mom what he said. Or your dad. No one.”
I’d rather die than tell anyone. This is so embarrassing.
“Mia, he sucks. Let’s get him in trouble.”
“No, Tessa. Please? Don’t say anything.”
Her shoulders slouch as she relaxes onto the bed. “Fine,” she grumbles, tucking a chunk of red hair behind her ear after I release her arm. “Just tell me—was it about how you look? I know he picks on you. He picks on me too, you know.”
I slip my glasses back on. “Not in the same way.”
“He calls me a red-headed freak and says I’ll never get a boyfriend.”
“I’d rather be called a freak than fat.”
“Mia. You’re not fat.”
I wipe another tear from my cheek, my eyes stinging now as they fill and fill. I sniffle and start to shake.
When Tessa tries wrapping her arms around me, offering comfort, I pull away from her and crawl up the bed.
I collapse on my side and whimper into my hands.
“You’re not, Mia. I promise. Okay?” Tessa moves the box of nail polish onto the floor before laying down beside me on the same pillow so we’re facing each other. She rubs my elbow. “You’re really not. Ben’s so stupid. He probably likes you and that’s why he makes fun of you. You know how boys do that. I bet he has a crush on you or something.”
A crush?
In what universe would Benjamin Kelly ever like me?
He’ll make fun of me forever, because I’ll always look like this. I just know I will.
And even if by some miracle I don’t, he’ll be mean to me for some other reason.
I wish he didn’t exist.
“I hate him,” I cry. “I hate him so much. I always will.”
“Me too. I really hate him.”
“I’m never marrying him, Tessa. I’m sorry. But we won’t ever be sisters.”
I cry harder when those words sink in.
I really would’ve loved that. I’ve always wanted a sister.
“That’s okay. No biggie.” Tessa scoots closer and presses her forehead against mine. She holds my hand between us. “We’ll always be best friends, Mia. Forever and ever. No matter what.”
“Forever and ever.” I sniffle and offer her a shaky smile.
“You know what I wish?” she asks.
“What?”
“I wish that one day we’ll live in the same big house with our husbands and kids. And we’ll always do everything together. All of us. And our husbands will be best friends too.”
“And our kids.”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I nod quickly. “Me too. I wish that too.”
“And I wish that Ben ends up getting some weird sex disease and his penis falls off.”
I snicker against my fingers. “Oh, my God.”
“I’d make fun of him so much, I swear.”
“Me too.”
“I’d follow him around and say, Hey, Ben, where’s your penis? Oh, that’s right…”
My eyes widen. “He won’t be able to pee anymore.”
Hers go round. “Ew. He’ll have to pee out of his mouth!”
Tessa and I giggle together, holding hands and happy again, my horrible encounter with her brother being forgotten. We take turns cracking jokes about him and making a few more wishes, ones we share and one I keep to myself. A secret wish I think I’ll always hope for.
I wish that one day Benjamin Kelly has the biggest crush on me.
And I’ll never, ever like him back.
